Secondary infertility (some thoughts and feelings)

I did the last post to give people a background as to some of the facts of what has been going on the past two years. This post is more to let people know of some of the thoughts and feelings I have had along the way. I am trying to break things up so that people don't have to read super long posts.

There have been many people who have said something to the effect of "just be grateful that you have two children." I know that they don't mean anything by it, but I just want to say that I know that I have two of the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, loving and healthy children on this earth and, if anything, this experience has made me appreciate them even more. I thank Heavenly Father for them every single day of my life (sometimes I find myself crying because I feel so grateful and blessed to have them). I now know that every single pregnancy and child is truly a blessing and a miracle.

This being said, it does not stop the desire I am feeling to add to our family. I feel like our family is not complete and after seeing different characteristics Arwen and Jackson have I find myself wondering what the next child's personality might be like, what he/she might look like, what funny things he/she might do or say and how Arwen and Jackson would interact with a new baby and sibling.

I know that I cannot completely understand what someone who has not been able to get pregnant at all is going through, but I do know that my heart aches. Like I said before there are many times when I break down just longing to be pregnant again, longing to rock a baby to sleep at night, longing to be able to smell that sweet newborn scent anytime I want to, longing to hear those sweet baby noises and wondering if and when it will happen again.

There have also been times when I have felt out of place. I am not done having kids, but I have two kids already (which I had on my own without any fertility treatments). I am not pregnant and I do not have a child even under the age of two. There have been conversations I have been left out of (not intentionally) because I am just in an awkward place in my life.

There have also been times when I feel so frustrated with my body. It used to work close to perfect in this department and now the doctors cannot find anything wrong, but there IS something wrong. I just feel so helpless and out of control and that too is so hard for me to deal with.

I hope that in writing these thoughts and feelings down that I have not made anyone feel bad. That is not my intention. I just want to be able to express myself and to let those people who have said that they do not understand what I am going through, but that they want to know, be able to better understand how I am feeling.

Secondary infertility (the background)

There have been some people in the recent past who have asked me when we are going to have another baby and there have been others who know what is going on who are afraid to ask me anything, so I decided that I am going to take the time to write down what is going on with us so people won't have to wonder anymore. Sorry if there is too much information in some areas and that it is so long.

As a lot of people know when we tried to get pregnant with Arwen and then (a short time later) with Jackson, each try only took us a couple months. So almost two years ago (in November) we decided to start trying for our third baby thinking this one too would only take a couple months. We were very disappointed when things did not go as we expected and planned.

We had been trying on our own for about seven months when I decided to call my doctor because I knew something was not right with my body. He was very nice and did a quite a few tests and found nothing out of the ordinary. He was pretty sure I was not ovulating on my own (since my periods were really far apart and irregular) so he started me on femara (a drug to induce ovulation). We also did some trigger injections so we would know exactly when I was going to ovulate. I did the femara for seven months with no pregnancy.

After the seven months my doctor then referred me to a fertility specialist. The specialist ran some more tests and could find nothing wrong. He then put me on clomid (another ovulation inducing drug) and it took about four months for me to have more than one follicle (this is what holds the egg) so that we could try insemination (cost us about 1500 for one month). We had been praying and fasting that it would work, but unfortunately it did not. It was a huge disappointment because we had spent all that money and everything seemed to be working properly in my body. After that expensive round and with all the extra hormones constantly in my body, we decided that I could not do this anymore at this time. It was too stressful for me.

We have been watching for ovulation on our own and we are pretty sure that I have been ovulating (really late) on my own the last two months, but I again started my period on day 45 this month. My body tends to play tricks on me and gives me signs of pregnancy so that I start to think that maybe I am and then wah-lah my period starts again.

It has been such a long, difficult trial for me. I think about it constantly and every month I am reminded that I am not pregnant. There have been some really good months (and/or days) where I am content and happy and there have been some really hard ones where I cry myself to sleep or I break down in the middle of the day.

Twins (I am not announcing anything)!!

When Sian (my younger sister) and I were in Flagstaff we were standing by each other and this teenage girl looked at us and asked if we were twins. . . It made my day being as Sian is just about nine years younger than me.

Happy Birthday to my Dad!!

I am sure my dad will never get on here to read this, but just in the off chance that he does, I wanted to say Happy Birthday Dad!! I was always a dadd'y girl growing up. I remember going to stay with my grandparents at times during the summer and I would always get "dadsick." I did not miss home, I just missed my dad (and the rest of my family of course).

My dad loved/s us so much. I remember being younger and he would always want us near his side no matter what he was doing (now he is the same way with my kids). He is a peacemaker. If any of us ever got/get mad at someone else, he is always there to try to help us look at things from their perspective.

Another great quality my dad has is that he has a great sense of humor (kind of goofy somtimes). Growing up, he would tell us the same joke nearly ever single night at dinner just to get a reaction.

I also love his spiritual, sensitive side. He has always loved the gospel. I have always known that if I had some question about the gospel I could go to him and there was a great chance he would know the answer. He was always there and worthy to give us Father's blessings and one of my favorite qualities about him (which hopefully does not embarass him) is that I remember so many times when he cried with us when we were sad. He does not like to see those he loves suffering.

Happy Birthday Dad!! We love you so much!!!

California!!

This last week was great! We started off by taking the kids to Disneyland on Friday (the 5th). We left AZ at three in the morning so that we could get there not long after it had opened. The kids had so much fun (so did Richard and I we were just a little tired by the end of the day)!! It was pretty crowded, but that is the true Disneyland experience!! Arwen loved the princess castle and she loved the Matterhorn!! Jackson loved Space Mountain!! Oh and we cannot forget waiting in line to see the princesses for over an hour (longer than any wait for the rides)!!

After that first day at Disneyland, we headed to the beach house in Newport where we got to stay with Richard's family. This was a lot of fun and we spent a lot of time at the beach. We also went to the temple and one day all of the girls went to the District to go shopping. It was a fun experience!!

Jackson spent a lot of time running from the waves (Grandpa helped him out)!!Arwen tried burying herself!

Once the week was over, we ended our vacation going to Disneyland one more time (the next Friday)!! The highlight for Jackson was seeing Mater and Lightning McQueen and Mickey Mouse!!

Arwen and Jackson in Mickey's house!!

We had so much fun, but we are so happy to be home and to be getting back into a routine!!

6th anniversary!!

On Saturday, Richard and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. My parents have been so nice and they have had our kids up in SJ since Saturday (I am going up there tomorrow). We got to spend the weekend together just relaxing!! It was awesome!!!

I love Richard so much!! He is such a great man. He is an amazing husband and father. He works so so hard to provide for our family. He sacrifices a lot of his favorite things to provide for us and to spend his extra time with us. He honors his priesthood, he loves the Lord. He fulfills his callings. He is willing to do anything for anyone at any time. He loves me probably more than I deserve and is genuinely happy when I am happy and genuinely sad when I am sad. He is still so ATTRACTIVE and he knows how to make me laugh all the time. I am so grateful and blessed to have him as my eternal companion!!

Mom's 50th Surprise Party!! (A ton of pictures)

Today is my mom's 50th birthday. My sisters and I thought it would be fun to throw her a surprise party this last weekend!! I thought she would have caught on to something, but thankfully she did not. She thought she was coming to Jackson's birthday party, but boy was she surprised when she walked in to find, close to 50 family members, yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" (Sorry the picture is so dark. The lighting was bad and my c0mputer won't edit it any more than this.)

Aaron (mom's brother), Kris (sister), mom and Kelly (brother).

Here is all of my mom's side of the family that was here, unfortunately we are still missing a lot of family members cause they all live AT LEAST six hours away.

My cousin's wife Kelly and my cousin Jandee!! They are both so cute!!

There were many of my dad's side of the family in attendance as well!!

Jeanine (dad's sister) with baby RJ (Cassie's baby) and Cassie (my cousin)

Kayla (cousin) and Cody (cousin). Daniel (my brother) is in the background watching them jam out to rock band!!

More cousins, M and J (I am not sure if they want me to put their full names)!!

Lucia with Kendall and Satya plus their families were all there!!

Jessyka and Nate were also there!!!

There are many others who were there and I am sorry if I don't have a picture of you up!! Thanks so much to everyone for coming and for helping to make the party so awesome!!

The party kept going long after most of the guests had left. We played Rock Band and Guitar hero for quite a while and had a blast (thanks Liz and Jason)!!

Happy birthday Mom!! I love you so much!! You are such an amazing woman with so many talents. You are so smart, beautiful, you have the most beautiful voice, you are a great teacher. You are so selfess, you are always doing something for someone else!! You are such a great listener and I love how close you are to the spirit!! Thanks for giving me such a great example of what I need to do to be a great mom, wife and woman!! Thanks for being such an amazing mom and friend!!