Sunday, October 25, 2009

Secondary infertility (some thoughts and feelings)

I did the last post to give people a background as to some of the facts of what has been going on the past two years. This post is more to let people know of some of the thoughts and feelings I have had along the way. I am trying to break things up so that people don't have to read super long posts.

There have been many people who have said something to the effect of "just be grateful that you have two children." I know that they don't mean anything by it, but I just want to say that I know that I have two of the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, loving and healthy children on this earth and, if anything, this experience has made me appreciate them even more. I thank Heavenly Father for them every single day of my life (sometimes I find myself crying because I feel so grateful and blessed to have them). I now know that every single pregnancy and child is truly a blessing and a miracle.

This being said, it does not stop the desire I am feeling to add to our family. I feel like our family is not complete and after seeing different characteristics Arwen and Jackson have I find myself wondering what the next child's personality might be like, what he/she might look like, what funny things he/she might do or say and how Arwen and Jackson would interact with a new baby and sibling.

I know that I cannot completely understand what someone who has not been able to get pregnant at all is going through, but I do know that my heart aches. Like I said before there are many times when I break down just longing to be pregnant again, longing to rock a baby to sleep at night, longing to be able to smell that sweet newborn scent anytime I want to, longing to hear those sweet baby noises and wondering if and when it will happen again.

There have also been times when I have felt out of place. I am not done having kids, but I have two kids already (which I had on my own without any fertility treatments). I am not pregnant and I do not have a child even under the age of two. There have been conversations I have been left out of (not intentionally) because I am just in an awkward place in my life.

There have also been times when I feel so frustrated with my body. It used to work close to perfect in this department and now the doctors cannot find anything wrong, but there IS something wrong. I just feel so helpless and out of control and that too is so hard for me to deal with.

I hope that in writing these thoughts and feelings down that I have not made anyone feel bad. That is not my intention. I just want to be able to express myself and to let those people who have said that they do not understand what I am going through, but that they want to know, be able to better understand how I am feeling.

Secondary infertility (the background)

There have been some people in the recent past who have asked me when we are going to have another baby and there have been others who know what is going on who are afraid to ask me anything, so I decided that I am going to take the time to write down what is going on with us so people won't have to wonder anymore. Sorry if there is too much information in some areas and that it is so long.

As a lot of people know when we tried to get pregnant with Arwen and then (a short time later) with Jackson, each try only took us a couple months. So almost two years ago (in November) we decided to start trying for our third baby thinking this one too would only take a couple months. We were very disappointed when things did not go as we expected and planned.

We had been trying on our own for about seven months when I decided to call my doctor because I knew something was not right with my body. He was very nice and did a quite a few tests and found nothing out of the ordinary. He was pretty sure I was not ovulating on my own (since my periods were really far apart and irregular) so he started me on femara (a drug to induce ovulation). We also did some trigger injections so we would know exactly when I was going to ovulate. I did the femara for seven months with no pregnancy.

After the seven months my doctor then referred me to a fertility specialist. The specialist ran some more tests and could find nothing wrong. He then put me on clomid (another ovulation inducing drug) and it took about four months for me to have more than one follicle (this is what holds the egg) so that we could try insemination (cost us about 1500 for one month). We had been praying and fasting that it would work, but unfortunately it did not. It was a huge disappointment because we had spent all that money and everything seemed to be working properly in my body. After that expensive round and with all the extra hormones constantly in my body, we decided that I could not do this anymore at this time. It was too stressful for me.

We have been watching for ovulation on our own and we are pretty sure that I have been ovulating (really late) on my own the last two months, but I again started my period on day 45 this month. My body tends to play tricks on me and gives me signs of pregnancy so that I start to think that maybe I am and then wah-lah my period starts again.

It has been such a long, difficult trial for me. I think about it constantly and every month I am reminded that I am not pregnant. There have been some really good months (and/or days) where I am content and happy and there have been some really hard ones where I cry myself to sleep or I break down in the middle of the day.