Sunday, October 25, 2009

Secondary infertility (some thoughts and feelings)

I did the last post to give people a background as to some of the facts of what has been going on the past two years. This post is more to let people know of some of the thoughts and feelings I have had along the way. I am trying to break things up so that people don't have to read super long posts.

There have been many people who have said something to the effect of "just be grateful that you have two children." I know that they don't mean anything by it, but I just want to say that I know that I have two of the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, loving and healthy children on this earth and, if anything, this experience has made me appreciate them even more. I thank Heavenly Father for them every single day of my life (sometimes I find myself crying because I feel so grateful and blessed to have them). I now know that every single pregnancy and child is truly a blessing and a miracle.

This being said, it does not stop the desire I am feeling to add to our family. I feel like our family is not complete and after seeing different characteristics Arwen and Jackson have I find myself wondering what the next child's personality might be like, what he/she might look like, what funny things he/she might do or say and how Arwen and Jackson would interact with a new baby and sibling.

I know that I cannot completely understand what someone who has not been able to get pregnant at all is going through, but I do know that my heart aches. Like I said before there are many times when I break down just longing to be pregnant again, longing to rock a baby to sleep at night, longing to be able to smell that sweet newborn scent anytime I want to, longing to hear those sweet baby noises and wondering if and when it will happen again.

There have also been times when I have felt out of place. I am not done having kids, but I have two kids already (which I had on my own without any fertility treatments). I am not pregnant and I do not have a child even under the age of two. There have been conversations I have been left out of (not intentionally) because I am just in an awkward place in my life.

There have also been times when I feel so frustrated with my body. It used to work close to perfect in this department and now the doctors cannot find anything wrong, but there IS something wrong. I just feel so helpless and out of control and that too is so hard for me to deal with.

I hope that in writing these thoughts and feelings down that I have not made anyone feel bad. That is not my intention. I just want to be able to express myself and to let those people who have said that they do not understand what I am going through, but that they want to know, be able to better understand how I am feeling.

23 comments:

collette said...

I'm sorry for the heartaches and frustrations that you feel. My heart goes out to you. I know that you are a wonderful mom and I pray that you'll get pregnant soon.

waitecamp said...

Oh sweetie....first off I just want to give you a big HUG!!!

I know this time is so frustrating and painful for you. I myself have shed so many tears over this and it's so hard for others to understand and relate too. But know this....there are other women that have been through this and know exactly how you feel. So talk about it....sharing your thoughts and feelings can help....and always remember that on a personal level you can lean on me anytime....

I love ya and wish I could take some of this pain away for you. Hang in there.

Lucia said...

Melissa, I love you and just want you to know that. We missed you tonight. Have fun in thatcher, Liz is lucky to have you for a sister. To bad he didn't make us sisters...

Tyler and Kami said...

I hear you sister. I have so many times when people tell me I am so lucky I have a daughter on the other side waiting for me. I know I am lucky and I do feel that way, but on the other hand, the pain I went through losing her just doesn't seem worth it right now. Sure, in the eternal perspective it does, but right now - it sucks. Just like in the eternal perspective people are right, you have two beautiful children. But that doesn't make the hurt you're feeling go away. It's a different kind of hurt that no one really understands. I am right here with you. Our experiences are so different, but so the same. We both long for something so badly and it will happen for both of us when it's time. I will get to see my sweet daughter when the time is right. You will have more children when the time is right. But until then, there is no rule book that says we can't sit back and say " this totally sucks " So come on over friend, we'll cry together : )

Beth said...

Melissa, You are such a wonderful mom! I'm so sorry that your wishes and longing for another little one are going unfulfilled at this time. I pray that you will find peace and that your heartache will be softened. I understand to a degree what you are going through. I don't think it matters how many children you have if you feel there is another missing, the emptiness is still there. If all had gone as we had planned, I would have a son or daughter turning 12 this month, going into YW or entering YM and becoming a deacon. You'll never forget, but it will hopefully get a little easier to bear. We love you!

Beth said...

One more comment...
Jeff Boyd's mother had two boys but could not get pregnant again and was told she wouldn't be able to have anymore children. Seven or eight? years later, Jeff was born followed by a younger brother. Thank goodness for miracles!

Jaime said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had no idea and I have been one of the rude ones commenting on time for another one. It didn't even cross my mind since you had the 1st two so easily! Hang in there and keep the faith. Unfortunately this is one of the trials you have to go through. Endure it well and you'll be rewarded!! ((HUGS))

Michelle said...

I love you Melissa!! I am so sorry that this is going on. I have prayed for you (and Richard) and thought of you often. Thank you for sharing your feelings and helping us understand a little more what is going on. I know the Lord will bless you to get through this trial.

Allison Johnson said...

You don't know me, but I saw your link on Kami's blog. I had fertility issues trying to get pregnant the first time.(and like you, they couldn't find anything wrong) You said that you don't feel like you fit in.... I think infertility is a terrible burden that changes your life forever. Anyone who has been through it would understand that. It was a little easier to bear when the questions all stopped after everyone knew, hopfully that will be the case for you too. You will be in my prayers...

Misi said...

LOVE YOU.

heather said...

I just wanted to respond to the comment you left for me, and I would have just replied in an email, but yours isn't activated through blogger. I could dig around my permissions and find it, but... this is easier.

I have so many thoughts...

Thanks for you comment, but please don't feel sorry for me. I appreciate the prayers, but please don't feel sorry for me.

There have been days when I've been so full of self-pity & anger that I felt like shaking my fist at Heaven and demanding an answer to "Why me?"

But, in this little trial, I have become stronger and the strengthening is a process. And although once a month I cry over it and occasionally ditch out on church things so as to avoid being in the presence of 87 pregnant women and 342 babies/ toddlers... I'm feeling pretty anger & self-pity free these days.

I am happy. I have everything else a woman could possibly hope for, how could I not be happy?

There is a purpose. I know there is.

You should read my other blog. I talk about it over there sometimes.

*Amy * said...

I am so sorry you are having heartache right now. We all have our individual trials in life and it is hard to understand why these things happen sometimes. You are a great mom and I hope things get better for your family soon. Rooting for ya!
-Amy

The Nortons said...

Children are a tricky business. I really don't know what to say. The Lord has a plan for you and sometimes it is not what you want. I will pray that you are blessed with another pregnancy and baby. You are so blessed to have so many people that support and love you.

Rachelle Palmer said...

It feels good to express your feelins right??? at least it helps me though this completly SUCKY situation! and most the time there are no words to comfort. it's nice to know that people are thinking of u! and i am one of them!!!

Richard and Tiffany said...

All I can say is love you so much, your family is amazing and I love you, Richard, Arwen, and Jackson SOO much!! I am so glad we're so close, and that I can understand to an extent what you're feeling. There is nothing (that I have ever experienced) else even close to the feelings of frustration and pain that come with this trial, and it is so hard to explain to others who have not felt it. Just know that I am here for you, and there is Someone who knows exactly how you feel. I know you know that, and I know you have felt that comfort. If I can do ANYTHING to help you, let me know!! We are praying for you every day and know that the Lord has a plan for you and your sweet family!!!

k said...

Hey Melissa, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Also wanted to tell you that I have a wonderful sweet friend who, like you, had two kids rather easy at first and then it became extremely difficult for her to conceive. They tried everything, and when she literally lost all hope, nine years later, gave birth to a baby boy (who is now two.) He's such a special kid. And she has no doubt that he was saved to come to this earth at this specific time. There is another spirit (or two or three) who are waiting to join your family, but in God's time. (I know, you have heard it all said before...) but I can only add that in Him we must trust. We can only see what we want and He sees what we need. Have faith and it will happen even better than you could possibly imagine. You are a sweet beautiful mother/wife who God loves so much. We all do. Don't give up hope. Much love!

satya said...

Thank-you for your thoughts! I always wonder the deepness to your feelings and I got to touch base tonight! Thank-you for talking to me about everything(you know what I mean) and keeping me in your life as your best friend! You are an amazing mom and most of all a great example to me through this huge trial. Luv u girl...talk to you tommorow! You really kicked booty yesteray on your pink cruiser!

maren sundahl said...

Melissa, that is very hard, I feel for you. It seems like fertility issues are so common these days. All of my sisters-in-law had a hard time getting pregnant, and while we were trying, about 70% of our friends had the same problems.

I'll be thinking of you, and hope that the Docs can figure things out. I can't imagine how frustrating that is.

Chet & Shelly & Laney said...

Melissa, you are just so stinkin' amazing, I cannot even imagine, and I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but your blog makes me so grateful for my little Laney bug and the "hopeful" chance that we will have more babies. This is something that I take for granted way too easily. Best of luck. We should plan a get together with everyone around the Holidays. We'll be down the weekend of December 5th. Love ya girly.

Miss April Perry said...

Melissa. You are amazing. I read both of your posts and I want you to know my heart goes out to you! I admire you for opening up and feeling brave enough to share your fears and heartache from the deepest corner, and allowing us the opportunity to pray for you and love you openly! I can imagine what you're feeling is very heavy! The good news is (as hard as it is) the Lord is taking part in this timing. If you know in your heart your family is not complete, trust in Him and his timing. Perhaps there is something in your body that needs to heal first before you can create a healthy baby? Or perhaps it's something else. An opportunity to learn about faith and trust? I happen to know that once in a lifetime we all go through a Abrahamic Trial. Maybe more than one in different severities. But know there are miracles, Heavenly Father is mindful of you, and keep loving your chilren unconditionally the way you always have, and their little brother/sister will be on their way soon. Hang in there! I know, easier said than done! But know there are prayers going out on your behalf.
Love you forever!
April

camrynathel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
camrynathel said...

I'm glad you shared your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I forget that there are lots of other people that have felt similar feelings as I, in dealing with infertility.

I have also felt that desire to hold my very own baby for almost 3 years now. And the Lord will be giving me that chance to hold my baby girl very soon (I'm 33 weeks preg today).

I just wanted to briefly let you know that I too have felt a deep heartache over my own situation. But it is a righteous desire and Heavenly Father is always mindful of our righteous desires. My own personal experience has taught me so much but most of all I know that I had to understand that children we are all blessed with come from Him and they are sent to us according to the Lord's time line.

You're a wonderful person and I really do love you. You're post has touched my heart and I pray that you will be blessed with as many children as your heart desires.

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