Here is a list of SOME of the things I am thankful for (in no particular order, just as they come to me)
1. A wonderful husband, who is hard working, selfless and honors his priesthood
2. Arwen . . . and the way she can make me laugh, the way she comforts me when I am sad and when she tells me that when she sees people cry it makes her cry.
3. Jackson. . . and the way makes me laugh as well (he is funny) the way he snuggles me and tells me he loves me regularly.
4. Parents . . . (both mine and Richard's) who are amazing examples for us and who have given us so much (temporally, spiritually, emotionally, etc.)
5. Grandparents . . . need I say more?
6. Sisters (and in-laws) who have been there for me through the ups and downs and can almost always help to make me happy if I am sad.
7. Brothers (and in-laws) who have sacrificed so much of their time to serve my family.
8. Friends who are like sisters and who would do anything and have done so much for me.
9. Cousins, aunts and uncles. . . again need I say more?
10. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
11. A living Prophet on the Earth - President Thomas S. Monson - and all of his apostles (general conference).
12. The Book of Mormon.
13. Temples - where I have had the opportunity to be sealed to my family forever.
14. My Savior Jesus Christ who has made it possible for me to live with him and my Heavenly Father again - he has felt every single feeling of sadness and pain I have ever felt - I am never alone because of this.
15. My Heavenly Father who loves me so much and has showed that love to me in many ways.
16. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
17. A beautiful home to live in to keep us safe and warm.
18. A car that runs well and can take us where we need to go.
19. Food to eat . . . we have never had to go hungry.
20. Richard's wonderful job and the fact that he still keeps busy with work.
21. Clothes and shoes.
22. Running water, working toilets, electricity. . . we took this for granted until we lived in a trailer in front of our unfinished house.
23. Volleyball . . . as cheesy as it may be there are many days that I have not been pregnant where I have volleyball to look forward to and cheer me up.
24. Dr. Pepper. . . I have to be honest.
25. Great movies . . . Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter
26. Great music.
27. Running. . . sometimes I am more grateful than others.
28. Christmas.
29. Birthdays.
30. Modern medicine, Doctors, hospitals, etc.
31. The power of prayer.
32. Priesthood blessings. . . have been comforted so many times because of these.
33. Digital cameras. . . we can take as many pictures as we want and make memories last forever.
34. Modern technology. . . internet and computers, email, etc.
35. Chocolate.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
"Lessons From Liberty Jail" - Jeffrey R. Holland (September Ensign)
A couple months ago (when I was having an especially hard time with my infertility trial), I was reading the Ensign and came across this talk by Jeffrey R. Holland. I am putting the link up, but I just wanted to quote a few of the things that really brought me comfort. http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=70dd1a01e8d43210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
". . . In one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, every one of us is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail—spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not be our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. . ."
". . . Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. . ."
". . . We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.
Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble. . ."
". . . Furthermore, we note that not only has the Savior suffered, in His case entirely innocently, but so have most of the prophets and other great men and women recorded in the scriptures. The point is this: if you are having a bad day, you’ve got a lot of company—very, very good company. The best company that has ever lived. . ."
". . .Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17; emphasis added).
". . .What a tremendously optimistic and faithful concluding declaration to be issued from a prison-temple! When he wrote those lines, Joseph did not know when he would be released or if he would ever be released. There was every indication that his enemies were still planning to take his life.
. . .Yet in these cold, lonely hours, Joseph says let us do all we can and do it cheerfully. And then we can justifiably turn to the Lord, wait upon His mercy, and see His arm revealed in our behalf.
What a magnificent attitude to maintain in good times or bad, in sorrow or in joy!"
". . . In one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, every one of us is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail—spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not be our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. . ."
". . . Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. . ."
". . . We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.
Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble. . ."
". . . Furthermore, we note that not only has the Savior suffered, in His case entirely innocently, but so have most of the prophets and other great men and women recorded in the scriptures. The point is this: if you are having a bad day, you’ve got a lot of company—very, very good company. The best company that has ever lived. . ."
". . .Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17; emphasis added).
". . .What a tremendously optimistic and faithful concluding declaration to be issued from a prison-temple! When he wrote those lines, Joseph did not know when he would be released or if he would ever be released. There was every indication that his enemies were still planning to take his life.
. . .Yet in these cold, lonely hours, Joseph says let us do all we can and do it cheerfully. And then we can justifiably turn to the Lord, wait upon His mercy, and see His arm revealed in our behalf.
What a magnificent attitude to maintain in good times or bad, in sorrow or in joy!"
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Secondary infertility (some thoughts and feelings)
I did the last post to give people a background as to some of the facts of what has been going on the past two years. This post is more to let people know of some of the thoughts and feelings I have had along the way. I am trying to break things up so that people don't have to read super long posts.
There have been many people who have said something to the effect of "just be grateful that you have two children." I know that they don't mean anything by it, but I just want to say that I know that I have two of the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, loving and healthy children on this earth and, if anything, this experience has made me appreciate them even more. I thank Heavenly Father for them every single day of my life (sometimes I find myself crying because I feel so grateful and blessed to have them). I now know that every single pregnancy and child is truly a blessing and a miracle.
This being said, it does not stop the desire I am feeling to add to our family. I feel like our family is not complete and after seeing different characteristics Arwen and Jackson have I find myself wondering what the next child's personality might be like, what he/she might look like, what funny things he/she might do or say and how Arwen and Jackson would interact with a new baby and sibling.
I know that I cannot completely understand what someone who has not been able to get pregnant at all is going through, but I do know that my heart aches. Like I said before there are many times when I break down just longing to be pregnant again, longing to rock a baby to sleep at night, longing to be able to smell that sweet newborn scent anytime I want to, longing to hear those sweet baby noises and wondering if and when it will happen again.
There have also been times when I have felt out of place. I am not done having kids, but I have two kids already (which I had on my own without any fertility treatments). I am not pregnant and I do not have a child even under the age of two. There have been conversations I have been left out of (not intentionally) because I am just in an awkward place in my life.
There have also been times when I feel so frustrated with my body. It used to work close to perfect in this department and now the doctors cannot find anything wrong, but there IS something wrong. I just feel so helpless and out of control and that too is so hard for me to deal with.
I hope that in writing these thoughts and feelings down that I have not made anyone feel bad. That is not my intention. I just want to be able to express myself and to let those people who have said that they do not understand what I am going through, but that they want to know, be able to better understand how I am feeling.
There have been many people who have said something to the effect of "just be grateful that you have two children." I know that they don't mean anything by it, but I just want to say that I know that I have two of the most amazing, beautiful, sweet, caring, loving and healthy children on this earth and, if anything, this experience has made me appreciate them even more. I thank Heavenly Father for them every single day of my life (sometimes I find myself crying because I feel so grateful and blessed to have them). I now know that every single pregnancy and child is truly a blessing and a miracle.
This being said, it does not stop the desire I am feeling to add to our family. I feel like our family is not complete and after seeing different characteristics Arwen and Jackson have I find myself wondering what the next child's personality might be like, what he/she might look like, what funny things he/she might do or say and how Arwen and Jackson would interact with a new baby and sibling.
I know that I cannot completely understand what someone who has not been able to get pregnant at all is going through, but I do know that my heart aches. Like I said before there are many times when I break down just longing to be pregnant again, longing to rock a baby to sleep at night, longing to be able to smell that sweet newborn scent anytime I want to, longing to hear those sweet baby noises and wondering if and when it will happen again.
There have also been times when I have felt out of place. I am not done having kids, but I have two kids already (which I had on my own without any fertility treatments). I am not pregnant and I do not have a child even under the age of two. There have been conversations I have been left out of (not intentionally) because I am just in an awkward place in my life.
There have also been times when I feel so frustrated with my body. It used to work close to perfect in this department and now the doctors cannot find anything wrong, but there IS something wrong. I just feel so helpless and out of control and that too is so hard for me to deal with.
I hope that in writing these thoughts and feelings down that I have not made anyone feel bad. That is not my intention. I just want to be able to express myself and to let those people who have said that they do not understand what I am going through, but that they want to know, be able to better understand how I am feeling.
Secondary infertility (the background)
There have been some people in the recent past who have asked me when we are going to have another baby and there have been others who know what is going on who are afraid to ask me anything, so I decided that I am going to take the time to write down what is going on with us so people won't have to wonder anymore. Sorry if there is too much information in some areas and that it is so long.
As a lot of people know when we tried to get pregnant with Arwen and then (a short time later) with Jackson, each try only took us a couple months. So almost two years ago (in November) we decided to start trying for our third baby thinking this one too would only take a couple months. We were very disappointed when things did not go as we expected and planned.
We had been trying on our own for about seven months when I decided to call my doctor because I knew something was not right with my body. He was very nice and did a quite a few tests and found nothing out of the ordinary. He was pretty sure I was not ovulating on my own (since my periods were really far apart and irregular) so he started me on femara (a drug to induce ovulation). We also did some trigger injections so we would know exactly when I was going to ovulate. I did the femara for seven months with no pregnancy.
After the seven months my doctor then referred me to a fertility specialist. The specialist ran some more tests and could find nothing wrong. He then put me on clomid (another ovulation inducing drug) and it took about four months for me to have more than one follicle (this is what holds the egg) so that we could try insemination (cost us about 1500 for one month). We had been praying and fasting that it would work, but unfortunately it did not. It was a huge disappointment because we had spent all that money and everything seemed to be working properly in my body. After that expensive round and with all the extra hormones constantly in my body, we decided that I could not do this anymore at this time. It was too stressful for me.
We have been watching for ovulation on our own and we are pretty sure that I have been ovulating (really late) on my own the last two months, but I again started my period on day 45 this month. My body tends to play tricks on me and gives me signs of pregnancy so that I start to think that maybe I am and then wah-lah my period starts again.
It has been such a long, difficult trial for me. I think about it constantly and every month I am reminded that I am not pregnant. There have been some really good months (and/or days) where I am content and happy and there have been some really hard ones where I cry myself to sleep or I break down in the middle of the day.
As a lot of people know when we tried to get pregnant with Arwen and then (a short time later) with Jackson, each try only took us a couple months. So almost two years ago (in November) we decided to start trying for our third baby thinking this one too would only take a couple months. We were very disappointed when things did not go as we expected and planned.
We had been trying on our own for about seven months when I decided to call my doctor because I knew something was not right with my body. He was very nice and did a quite a few tests and found nothing out of the ordinary. He was pretty sure I was not ovulating on my own (since my periods were really far apart and irregular) so he started me on femara (a drug to induce ovulation). We also did some trigger injections so we would know exactly when I was going to ovulate. I did the femara for seven months with no pregnancy.
After the seven months my doctor then referred me to a fertility specialist. The specialist ran some more tests and could find nothing wrong. He then put me on clomid (another ovulation inducing drug) and it took about four months for me to have more than one follicle (this is what holds the egg) so that we could try insemination (cost us about 1500 for one month). We had been praying and fasting that it would work, but unfortunately it did not. It was a huge disappointment because we had spent all that money and everything seemed to be working properly in my body. After that expensive round and with all the extra hormones constantly in my body, we decided that I could not do this anymore at this time. It was too stressful for me.
We have been watching for ovulation on our own and we are pretty sure that I have been ovulating (really late) on my own the last two months, but I again started my period on day 45 this month. My body tends to play tricks on me and gives me signs of pregnancy so that I start to think that maybe I am and then wah-lah my period starts again.
It has been such a long, difficult trial for me. I think about it constantly and every month I am reminded that I am not pregnant. There have been some really good months (and/or days) where I am content and happy and there have been some really hard ones where I cry myself to sleep or I break down in the middle of the day.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Twins (I am not announcing anything)!!
When Sian (my younger sister) and I were in Flagstaff we were standing by each other and this teenage girl looked at us and asked if we were twins. . . It made my day being as Sian is just about nine years younger than me. 
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Happy Birthday to my Dad!!
I am sure my dad will never get on here to read this, but just in the off chance that he does, I wanted to say Happy Birthday Dad!! I was always a dadd'y girl growing up. I remember going to stay with my grandparents at times during the summer and I would always get "dadsick." I did not miss home, I just missed my dad (and the rest of my family of course).
My dad loved/s us so much. I remember being younger and he would always want us near his side no matter what he was doing (now he is the same way with my kids). He is a peacemaker. If any of us ever got/get mad at someone else, he is always there to try to help us look at things from their perspective.
Another great quality my dad has is that he has a great sense of humor (kind of goofy somtimes). Growing up, he would tell us the same joke nearly ever single night at dinner just to get a reaction.
I also love his spiritual, sensitive side. He has always loved the gospel. I have always known that if I had some question about the gospel I could go to him and there was a great chance he would know the answer. He was always there and worthy to give us Father's blessings and one of my favorite qualities about him (which hopefully does not embarass him) is that I remember so many times when he cried with us when we were sad. He does not like to see those he loves suffering.
Happy Birthday Dad!! We love you so much!!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
California!!
This last week was great! We started off by taking the kids to Disneyland on Friday (the 5th). We left AZ at three in the morning so that we could get there not long after it had opened. The kids had so much fun (so did Richard and I we were just a little tired by the end of the day)!! It was pretty crowded, but that is the true Disneyland experience!! Arwen loved the princess castle and she loved the Matterhorn!! Jackson loved Space Mountain!! Oh and we cannot forget waiting in line to see the princesses for over an hour (longer than any wait for the rides)!!
After that first day at Disneyland, we headed to the beach house in Newport where we got to stay with Richard's family. This was a lot of fun and we spent a lot of time at the beach. We also went to the temple and one day all of the girls went to the District to go shopping. It was a fun experience!!
Jackson spent a lot of time running from the waves (Grandpa helped him out)!!
Arwen tried burying herself!
Once the week was over, we ended our vacation going to Disneyland one more time (the next Friday)!! The highlight for Jackson was seeing Mater and Lightning McQueen and Mickey Mouse!!
Arwen and Jackson in Mickey's house!!
We had so much fun, but we are so happy to be home and to be getting back into a routine!!
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